The issue about a woman’s virginity is one that has been addressed with utmost severity within our society.


Older women married in the 1990s going back were not treated too kindly when found out to not have been virgins on their wedding night. In some cultures, the issue was so serious that the marriage was to be consummated in front of elders who would check the sheets searching for specks of blood, lack of which would cause the woman to be sent back home with a kiondo on her head (there was a jembe in the kiondo). The dowry was called back on account of the ‘daughter’s shame’

What really is virginity then? Virginity is mostly thought of as a state where someone has not had vaginal penetrative sex. I say penetrative vaginal sex because true to it, nobody is keen to ask whether one has had oral or anal sex  for that matter. Once I heard someone say she had performed all there is to sexual activity apart from vaginal sex. She still insisted she was a virgin and that she was saving herself for her husband. So yes, people still engage in immorality but hide in the state of not having performed vaginal sex.

Another big deal is the issue of blood on the first encounter with a man. Ladies and gentlemen, a woman can be a virgin and not bleed during the first encounter! It’s all about the woman’s physiology and every woman is different. Most people think the hymen (which causes the bleeding) is supposed to be broken, but it’s not. The hymen is actually elastic (like a hair band) and it actually doesn’t disappear, it just stretches to accommodate the penis. Once it’s squeezed into the vaginal wall, of course, it will be difficult to see it. Some people have more elastic walls than others and naturally, their hymen will stretch without any pressure and no blood will be lost. This reminds me of a feminine doctor who told me that I should keep my virginity because when I have sex for the first time, I will bleed and this will be like a blood covenant to seal my marriage. You can just imagine the look on my face! From broken hymens that can never be grown back to blood covenants.

Explanations aside; I do not think that virginity should be what determines whether you love someone enough to marry them or not. What happened to let sleeping dogs lie and the past remaining to be the past? Either way, me, the non – virgin might give you better sex and might be more involved in the relationship and kinky in bed as compared to the ones who decided to stay ‘chaste’. I’m not saying that we, deflowered types are better; no, far from it. I mean that we deserve a chance and fewer critics from the ‘holier than thou’ of the world cause anyway, men are not attacked on account of their deflowered state (mostly because the penis doesn’t give evidence as compared to our bleeding members). Anyway, in case I get blessed with such culturally involved in laws, may I mense while I consummate my marriage and may my face not show enjoyment but utter grimace.


Igando Kinyua

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